A snow day of the mind

and an introduction to my love for films

Dear readers,

My mind has been experiencing what I can only describe as a snow day; a hiatus from thinking and doing. It feels like a state of reset that is hard to explain—it is not good, not bad, just is. 

It is akin to a literal snow day, the type that closes down schools and shops. Except it is my mind that seems closed; maybe it’s closed for a renovation of sorts, and all I can do is observe the weather outside, both literally and figuratively.

I am not going to lie, sometimes it feels unsettling not be in motion with certain tasks and goals. It feels like one of those off-days I wrote about in my previous piece titled, ‘Go with the flow (in any direction).’ I am in the opposite state of flow, and although it may feel strange and scary, I know it is going to be okay and that I need this pause.

Source: Ella Dee on Unsplash

It is not natural to always be in a state of doing (go, go, go); sometimes you just have to be. Be with yourself, with your state of mind, and rock yourself gently. In my particular situation, I have found myself called towards silent meditations and rest.

There is, however, one activity that has engaged me in the last couple of weeks—an art form that I’ve loved for a long time: films. I have been watching a lot of films lately, and by “a lot,” I mean a couple per month. This may not seem like a high number to those who watch everything and everything,  but I am the mother of a toddler who loudly complains if I play any of my own stuff on the living room television. I assure you that this is a big win. It is still a passive activity, but one that inspires abstract thinking.

A rabbit hole that started with the movie, "Everything Everywhere All At Once" (which I am obsessed with) led me to discover the Hong Kong film, "In the Mood for Love." The movie follows the story of a man (a young Tony Leung) and a woman (played by Maggie Cheung) who play neighbors. Their spouses are never around, and the main characters suspect the spouses are having an affair. The subject of the film can be emotionally messy but the actors pull off the script so well, we are with them through every conflicting and complex emotion. Not to mention that visually, the film is simply one of the most beautiful films I’ve seen in terms of usage of vibrant colors. Color is used brilliantly to express deep emotions.

There is a scene in which Maggie Cheung’s character mentions that she is going to see a film alone, she confesses that the act of going to the movies alone used to be something she participated in when she was single. A few more poignant lines follow that allude to the nostalgia of past lives. The truth is that all of us have lived many lives squeezed into one lifetime, myself included. We are like those Russian nesting dolls; you open the doll, and there is another one underneath it, and so on. Like Maggie’s character, I used to go see films alone, and never had a problem with it. I still don’t, what is missing is time.

I love film because of its ability to capture the human experience in just a few lines, a few shots, a few looks.. Trust me, there are a lot of looks in "In the Mood for Love."

On days in which I can’t seem to create or read, I rely on films to do the thinking for me. I live my past, present, and future through them. I understand the depth of my own soul through them.

I hope to be back in a week with a list of films that have impacted me in the last five years. I want to timestamp them to key moments in my life. That is the plan once the snow stops falling, freezes to the ground, and melts away. As always, thank you for being here.